Writing

I have been seriously considering doing some writing, as in a work that would be published. I've been tossing around some ideas for a fiction work, and I have also been making notes for a possible story about my experiences with my oldest son and the juvenile system.

Just for fun...shits and giggles, or whatever--I started to put down a preliminary idea for a fiction story that's in my head right now. I started to type it out here, but quickly realized that there's no way I could publish it to my blog. Anyone who would know me well, would know that it's intensely personal.......and those who know me (yet know me less well) would probably still "get it" and think my story was pretty thinly veiled.

I will probably still write it. I'll just put some time and space between when I write it and when I let people read it. There are certain things that time will likely temper. I don't really want it to have a wistful, faraway feel to it--I prefer the raw, in your face emotion...feeling....rage...passion. But I also don't want to feel like someone ripped a huge scab off of a fresh wound. If that makes sense.

And with any luck, it will ultimately feel less like a wound and more like heaven.

Christina Aguilera - Fighter

Ready or not

My fall classes start in.....5 weeks. Am I ready? Yes and no. Yes, I am ready for the routine, ready to get this journey back underway, ready to have things to occupy my mind and time with. What am I not ready for, then, you ask? Drama. Not ready for that. Don't want it, either.

I was just thinking about what I would want from this semester, in a perfect world, and the first thing that came to my mind was "thought-provoking". On the surface, that sounds wonderful but then again, this is also one of those things where it is prudent to remember to be careful what you wish for. I can think of a few provocative moments (well, I guess I should clarify and say THOUGHT provocative) from the spring semester that left me thinking....what the hell? Maybe I should just wish for clarity.

Only 6 months until we are free to move. That's not to say that we will be moving in exactly 6 months, it just means that in 6 months we are FREE to do so. I'm so looking forward to the day where I can go to Omaha to look for houses, and Dan can put in for transfer. I have mixed feelings about moving further east, but honestly.....it's not like anyone comes to visit us anyway, ever. It really doesn't matter where I go or what I do from anyone else's standpoint, so I might as well do what makes me happy, right?

Really?

Wow. Has it really been since May, that I have visited this blog? I've been rather active on Facebook and on the Tumblr....but even more busy just doing ordinary summer stuff.

My summer has gone from idyllic to chaotic thanks to an idiot teenager. There's no way to gloss it over, so I just won't. I don't get the whole entitlement mentality that kids these days seem to have. They all think that everyone owes them something. Well, I am here to tell you that I don't owe anyone shit. That includes my kid who seems to be also suffering from this entitlement affliction. As far as I'm concerned, he has everything he needs. The law dictates that a parent must provide a minor child with food, appropriate clothing, necessary medical care, and shelter from the elements. THAT'S ALL. The law does NOT say "food you like" or "clothing that is cool or trendy that costs $$$". We live in a structure, so the housing is covered. We have health insurance so the kids can go to the doctor when they're sick--covered. I make dinner every night. The kids are responsible for breakfast and lunch, and to that end I have provided them with cereal, milk, bread, peanut butter, jelly, and occasionally ham and cheese for sandwiches. I buy fruit every now and then too. The teenager who thinks the world owes him something seems to feel like he needs a hot cooked meal 3 times a day....to which I have told him GO FOR IT. On your own money, not mine. I can't afford to cater to someone's damn caviar dreams. Nor do I want to, when their attitude sucks daily. Hell no.

I'm recovering from pneumonia....I hope, lol. Who the hell gets pneumonia when it's 100 degrees? Well, somehow it happened and it's been pretty crappy to tell you the truth. But if there's one thing that I have learned well in life, it's how to be a fighter. I'll get through it.

My next class starts in just four days. It's a class I've been looking forward to since winter. The class lasts for 4 weeks, and then the fall semester will be almost upon us. What this means to me is that the time to move from this crappy town is getting closer and closer. I'm so ready. SO READY. This is a narrow minded place. People get all butthurt for the dumbest of reasons. If you disagree with someone, they get offended. Really? How boring would this world be, if we were all the same? I especially love (alert--SARCASM!) the people who insist that others should be open and accepting of their ideas and beliefs...but they don't have the balls to put their money where their mouth is and also be accepting of another person's ideas/beliefs. No, they'd rather try to make a big show out of how their way is the right way. Well, news flash. We're all different, so there IS no "right way". It's as simple as that. Everything is a personal choice, everyone has a different story and a different set of circumstances that will dictate how they respond and what choices they make. I could use myself as an example--I am a person who was raised from birth to be very independent and to be responsible for many things. My upbringing has helped to define much of who I am today. I'm very, very independent. Luckily, I met--and married--someone who understands and appreciates this about me. My husband recognized my independence right away when we met, and found it attractive. He was raised by a very independent, career-driven, capable mother. He gets it! But I can tell you right now......most people DON'T get it. I am smothered and stifled by dependency. (Incidentally, the great majority of people here in North Platte, mostly women, are of the dependent variety. They just are. It is what it is.) I do have a few friends that totally get it, although admittedly a great proportion of them are of the single male variety, not that that's a bad thing. Anyway, I'm looking forward to being back in an urban area where there is a greater degree of diversity. I'm definitely not a small-town kind of person, this much I have learned about myself while spending the past 8 years in this town. I'm ready to rock and roll, to move on to the next chapter of my life, the career chapter. I've been looking forward to this for what seems like forever, and it's finally almost here. Onward!

Summer

So far, Summer '11 has been pretty......uneventful.

I like to think that this is a good thing. I was looking forward to a laid-back summer, a time to refresh and rejuvenate after a long, stressful school year. I have summer classes right now, but so far they aren't terribly taxing. This has left me with a lot of time to think.

I've been kind of sick, though. I'm battling a vicious infection right now, but I'm finally gaining the upper hand. This is a good thing, because this illness has been miserable and painful enough to make me want to punch holes in walls. Seriously. Not kidding at all. It's been that bad--but I'm finally at the point where I think I'm on the downhill slope of this thing. Thank God!

I'm still working on the whole discipline thing, and I'm not doing too badly. There is a lot more that I wish I WAS doing, but to be honest I am waiting until I feel less like shit. Then, I will implement the rest of my plan which includes more exercise and definitely more swimming. I've had to wrap my knee this summer, so I will be leaning heavily toward the swimming. I wish the park would dry out more. I want to play frisbee golf. That part of the park is pretty swampy still towards the pond, so I'm going to set that idea aside until a little later in the summer. My biggest accomplishment so far has to be my diet change. My last blood results sucked! Very vitamin/mineral deficient amongst other things. So my solution has been to bump up the veggies and fish and I've pretty much eliminated red meat altogether. I also rarely go over 400 calories a meal now because I've cut the hell out of my portion size. I keep telling myself that this is going to pay off. I'm not doing this for vanity, I'm doing it for health. There are things I want to accomplish in life and I want to be around to do it.

I went through 2 boxes of random stuff today and sorted for yard sale/giveaway/trash. This process will be ongoing until I go through everything, which will probably take the better part of the summer. But when I leave for Omaha, there is no way in hell I am taking all this crap with me. No one helps me clean it or put it away, so why bother? I just don't have time and I would prefer the simplicity, truly.

I am thoroughly enjoying my reading this summer. I am finishing "The Varieties of Religious Experience" and starting on "A History of God". My Comparative Religions class starts in July, and I just received the required texts...looks like I will be studying Judaism, Buddhism, and Islam in-depth. The study of Islam will be a nice segue into my Fall history class....that I am truly so looking forward to.

If wishes were fishes....these things would be mine. Right now. :)

The Pacific ocean, rolling up on a sandy beach on a warm summer day.


A tall glass of fresh orange juice, with some whole grain toast, eaten on the patio in the early morning.

Knowing someone’s flaws and quirks and realizing that you cherish them not just despite those things but because of them, as well.

The fresh evergreen smell and soft carpet of pine needles underfoot, on a mountain hike.

A roaring fire, soft blanket, and a fine work of literature on a cold night.

A walk down a carnival midway on a midsummer’s night.

The indescribable joy of sharing all the things you love with someone who loves them as much as you do.

San Francisco, and a fresh seafood dinner eaten on the pier.

Wine tasting and a quaint bed and breakfast in Napa.

The hushed, reverent feeling of a well-appointed library.

The moment when you’re driving through the mountains and suddenly, the ocean appears!

The wind blowing through your hair on a summer road trip.

The sand under your feet, and the sounds of the boardwalk, like music to your ears.

A carefree drive through the canyons, in a convertible.

Building a fire on the beach at Pacific City and watching the dories come in.

A brilliant sunset, as beautiful to behold in the Sandhills of Nebraska as it is setting on the ocean.

Knowing that the most powerful mental, physical, and emotional connections take place in the mind.

The beautiful moment when a forest trail leads into a clearing…with a deep blue lake.

A mug of hot buttered rum at a holiday gathering on a cold night.

A night at the symphony or a play…on the arm of someone you adore.

Holiday lights, as seen from your car window on a late night drive.

A hot day, a cold lake, a fast boat, and some waterskis.

17 Mile drive, and cypress trees in Carmel.

Jazz music by candlelight.

Piano by candlelight will work, too.

Dreams of faraway locales and knowing you’d be there in a heartbeat if given the opportunity.

Never losing hope that someday, sublime joy will be yours.

A summer resolution?

I started to debate with myself, internally, whether it was a good idea to start contemplating things this late at night. I have class tomorrow and so much studying to do. But....I just finished taking my final exam in International Food Policy and I am still a bit keyed up, so hey--why not. Maybe this will lull me into the relaxed state that I need to be in order to get some sleep.

So I've been thinking a lot about goals. Goals of all kinds....short term, long term, whatever. I have come to the conclusion that the goal I want to work towards most is.....DISCIPLINE.

I have a hell of a time with discipline. Why? Because I am very self-indulgent. It's a flaw, I know. A weakness. There are things that I would love to finally accomplish but my lack of discipline and overabundance of self-indulgence is getting in the way. Academically I know this, but it is so damn hard to change. I really want to do this, however. I am so fascinated and envious of those people who have impeccable control and discipline. How on earth do they manage telling themselves no, denying themselves of pleasures--it has to be hard, sometimes even excruciating. I don't like telling myself no. If I want something, I generally think I should have it. Unless of course it's some crazy ass absurd thing, I might be undisciplined but I'm not an idiot and I'm not nuts!

It's frustrating to me that I am really good at so many things, but discipline is just not one of them....not yet, anyway. (Gotta think positive.) Common sense? Check. Rationality? Check. Discretion? Oh hell yes. Discipline? That's a negative. And it's frustrating. There are many things I would like to accomplish and many things I would like to revisit and self discipline really is the key to all of them. I think the hardest part of all this is, I have to walk this path alone. My husband, God love him, isn't the most self-disciplined person. He is a hard worker with a calm demeanor and a lot of common sense, but he is pretty self-indulgent too. But even if he were disciplined, would he be able to walk me through this and keep me inspired? Doubtful. I doubt it, for the same reasons why he has told me time and time again that he cannot help me with other problems. "You're too strong", he says. "You're too independent. I can't do anything for you that you can't do for yourself." This is something he has told me over and over, and it peeves me--but he is totally right. I pretty much CAN do anything for myself, and it takes a very strong person to lead someone like me and hold me accountable. So generally, that magical person never exists...which means I do this alone. Wouldn't it be awesome if I could tell myself, by the end of the summer, that I accomplished this goal? It would be sweet indeed.

(I wrote this last night....and didn't publish it. Today I decided to go ahead and let it rip. lol)

"There is nothing I would deny you, if you would not deny me."

---Caledon Hockley, "Titanic"

Blogging again.

I've decided to start writing here again, periodically.

I deleted most of my previous posts, almost 2 months ago. Why? It doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things....I did what I needed to do at the time. That being said, the tone of this blog will likely be much different from this point forward. I seriously considered deleting this blog altogether, but ultimately decided to scale it back and take it in a different direction. I hope.

I will be posting fewer personal updates, but probably more original poetry. A creative outlet, if you will. Enjoy.

Random statement day!

Random statements for the day......take them as you wish. They might be meant for you. Or not. You be the judge.


1. Take some freaking cough medicine already.

2. Fun is what you make it.

3. Sometimes being direct really works. REALLY. Probably better than you had imagined.

4. Yes, yes....and yes. I'm waiting.

5. Just because someone is related to you doesn't make them "family". I think we are all related to a bunch of douchebags if we're being honest. You don't get to pick them before you're born but you can pick them now.

6. I can't think of a single thing that I would deny.

7. You play you pay. That advice pissed me off when I was 16 but there's plenty of truth in it.

8. Sometimes it's more fun to ignore what appears to be contradictory.

And that will be all. :)

Goals and Plans

I am a very goal-oriented person.

I like to get things done, to make things happen. I don't sit around and dwell on things. It serves no purpose. I know what I want out of life. I want to be happy, I want to have a career that I enjoy and that I am good at, and I want to be financially secure. This is why I kick ass when doing my homework...because it leads to all the good things that I want. I'm a planner. Why? Because that's how you make things happen. I'm already planning for our move to Omaha and it's 10 months away. I'm already setting aside money for the move. Dan and I are already contemplating what stuff we're keeping and what we're selling or giving away. After a dozen moves, we've got this shit down.

I am realistic. I don't let myself get tied up in a fantasy world. That also serves no purpose. I know what I am capable of, and I also know what's best left alone. I am capable of a LOT. I know this. It has nothing to do with conceit or with arrogance. It's all about reality. I know what I can do. I encounter so many people, on a daily basis, that are lacking in self confidence. I wouldn't trade my self confidence for anything in this world.  I am honest with myself and honest with others. I don't need to try to be something I'm not. I am happy with who I am......and when someone else tells me that they are also happy with who I am--that kind of affirmation feels really good. I've worked really hard to get where I am, and it is nice when someone respectfully acknowledges it.

That being said...I don't "need" anyone, or affirmation from anyone, to complete me. I really don't. As far as other people go, I can take you or leave you....with the exception of my husband and kids, I don't "need" you to make my life happy. I do have certain friends that I would rather not be without...the ones that I would pretty much file in the "family" category, and a few others that I otherwise hold dear, but anyone else--yeah, they're not going to make or break me at all. That's reality. I like my life drama free. I don't like sifting through bullshit. I am fairly simple and very direct and that is the approach I like best. When someone inadvertantly leads me down the drama-and-bullshit trail, I feel sorry for a split second that they feel that they need to do this, but I don't have time in my life to try to analyze all the "why's". I'm too busy, I don't have time. Instead, I will just move on. Life's too short to spend extraneous amounts of time on things that are overdramatic and less than factual.

A very dear friend of mine says that I have "an irrepressible zeal for life." That is so accurate. I really do. I'm always looking for my next adventure. I wake up in the morning in anticipation of what the day may bring. Even a bad day is not the end of the world. If there's one thing I have learned well, it is that even a bad day or a bad situation can be turned into a very good one. I am courageous. I'm not afraid to confront a problem or issue, no matter how bad it sucks. I might not like it, but that's beside the point. My basic compulsion for problem-solving dictates that I MUST confront a problem when it arises. So I do.....and rarely am I disappointed. You never know what life might bring you. And you sure as hell can't get a do over, so you might as well make every moment count.

Sage words this Wednesday morning.